7. Beverlye Hyman Fead: Changing How We Think About Aging
Published September 2, 2020
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Show Notes
Beverlye Hyman Fead is an author, artist, activist, and inspirational speaker. in 2019, she received the Alliance for Aging Research Perennial Hero Award, presented each year to honor an older individual who is actively contributing to create positive societal change and serves as a role model for people of all ages. In this episode, Sue Peschin, President and CEO of the Alliance, talks with Beverlye about embracing aging, why honesty and a sense of humor are so important as we age, and more.
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Episode Transcript
Sue Peschin:
Hello, everybody, and welcome to This is Growing Old, a podcast from the Alliance for Aging Research. I’m Sue Peschin, President and CEO of the Alliance for Aging Research.
Sue Peschin:
We’re all living in a new normal. And part of this means doing our part to prevent the spread of coronavirus by wearing face masks, washing our hands frequently, social distancing, and avoiding crowded or poorly ventilated spaces. To keep everybody safe, this will be the first year that the Alliance’s annual Heroes in Health event will be held online. We’re going to miss seeing everyone in person this year, but we’re really excited to have the opportunity to celebrate our commitment to older adults at a virtual Heroes in Health celebration. No matter where Heroes in Health is held, we’ll continue to honor individuals for their contributions to healthy aging.
Sue Peschin:
Today’s guest is one of those remarkable individuals. Beverlye Hyman Fead, the recipient of the 2019 Perennial Hero Award, is an author, artist, activist, and inspirational speaker.
Sue Peschin:
Beverlye, thank you so much for joining us today.
Beverlye Hyman Fead:
Sue, it’s such an honor to talk with you always.
Sue Peschin:
Thank you. Me too. We have a mutual admiration here. First of all, how have you been coping during the COVID-19 pandemic? And what’s your experience been like?
Beverlye Hyman Fead:
Well, it’s been all over the map as I’m sure it has been for everyone. At first, it was very fearful, both my husband and I, but especially me. For the first time in my life, I found myself fearful. And that’s very unlike me. But it kept on saying over and over again that people over 65 that have cancer, which is me, or any disease are especially at risk. And so I thought, oh, I feel so vulnerable. And I was very worried. So that was the first part. And both my husband and I stayed inside. Of course, we wore a face mask if we had to go out, but I hardly went out at all.
Beverlye Hyman Fead:
And then I noticed that as the pandemic went on, I kind of relaxed into staying home and enjoying my home with my husband and enjoying cooking. And I write. And I draw. And I paint. And I brought my drawing desk into the house. And I was enjoying having no appointments.
Beverlye Hyman Fead:
And I was missing friends and missing social activities. And the thing I missed the most, of course, was my family who lives in another town. I live in Santa Barbara. They live in Los Angeles. And I was worried for them, like my kids and my grandchildren. But my husband and I got into this routine where we’d watch the news at a certain time. We’d have dinner. We’d cook together. We had time for each other that we found we didn’t have in the other world, in the world we had been used to. So I wouldn’t say I was enjoying it because of all the horrible deaths and all the horrible illnesses. And I was feeling so sorry for anybody that had that in their family. But my husband and I had relaxed into it. That was stage two.
Beverlye Hyman Fead:
And then stage three, when we started going out, became another thing. And the new normal became distancing six feet apart and wearing masks and sitting outside at some outdoor restaurants. And then part of stage three, my husband who has Parkinson’s was having an episode and had to go to the hospital and was there for 11 days. And I was in the house alone. He’s still in rehabilitation right now. But I realized how hard it must be for people who are alone all during this time for months on end, and my compassion for them rose a hundred percent, along with those who have contacted this disease.
Beverlye Hyman Fead:
So it’s been several stages of how I feel and how we’ve changed. And I do believe that I don’t ever want to get as filled up in my life as I was before the pandemic. And I do think, because I always am a glass half full, I do think there are some good things that are going to come out of this and that we’re going to find a kinder, nicer world when we come out of this. And we’re going to care more for our neighbors and care more for our friends and tell them because we’ve missed it all so much.
Sue Peschin:
I totally agree with you. I think that a big part of all of this has been about rediscovering our humanity to each other. I think you bring up a really good point because in addition to whether or not you might live by yourself, also that separation that has to happen because of the pandemic when someone you care about, even if it’s non-COVID related, has to go to the hospital is really striking and can be very scary.
Beverlye Hyman Fead:
It’s very scary. And I think about all those people who have had to say goodbye on an iPad and really what they had to go through. And I find myself very grateful for family, for friends, for our community. We have such a loving community. When Bob went into the hospital, so many people reached out that I didn’t even know we knew were so touched by it. And we all are about each other. We’re all reaching out to each other in the ways that we can. And I hope that continues. Like you said, we’re finding our humanity.
Sue Peschin:
Is there anything, having gone through that experience and just being an advocate yourself, I’m wondering is there anything that you would recommend to your hometown hospital but also to sort of hospitals in general for family caregivers and just family going through this and having to separate from loved ones to help make the experience a little more bearable?
Beverlye Hyman Fead:
Well, I think being able to talk to your friends and being honest with your friends about your fears and about… I have friends saying to me, “Please tell me if you want me to go to the market. It would be an honor for me to help you. Don’t feel as though it’s an imposition.” And so to be honest about what you need or what you fear with your friends and for them to do the same so you can help them. I think that’s a real honor for us to do for each other. And we shouldn’t keep it inside. We shouldn’t keep our fears or our wants inside. And if somebody can help us, we will turn around and pay it back by helping someone else. So I think that’s something we’ve all learned through this.
Sue Peschin:
Absolutely. And that’s where intimacy and connection comes from, right, is being able to be vulnerable.
Sue Peschin:
So last year you received the Alliance’s Perennial Hero Award.
Beverlye Hyman Fead:
I smiled just as you say that.
Sue Peschin:
I’m so glad. Which is presented each year to honor an older individual who’s actively contributing to create positive societal change and serve as a role model for people of all ages, which you are for sure, Beverlye. How did you feel to receive this award?
Beverlye Hyman Fead:
Sue, I can’t even tell you how much it meant to me really. It was definitely one of the highlights of my life. It was so thrilling and such an honor to think that anyone, and especially you who I admire so much, you and your work, which are two separate things. I admire you as a person. And I admire you, the work that you have chosen or has chosen you. But for you to have felt that I deserve this award and for you and whoever else made that decision felt that I should be given this award for work that I just love to do and it meant so much to me and especially at my age, I just turned 86, to feel that I was, that my life was worthwhile and had changed some people’s lives or could change some people’s lives means really everything to me, Sue. So I can’t tell you how much it meant to me.
Sue Peschin:
Oh, well you made the entire room stand up. That’s how much you inspire people. So something you said last year in your award acceptance speech really stood out to all of us at the Alliance. You said, “My generation is teaching our own bodies how to live these extra bonus years while we are showing those who are coming up behind us not only to accept aging but to look forward to it.” So what led you to accept this mindset of looking forward to aging?
Beverlye Hyman Fead:
Well, as you know, I’ve been living with cancer for 18 years, and I’ve been living with fourth stage cancer. And they told me 18 years ago I had two months to live. So I went into overdrive health wise. I had always been a healthy person. But I really went into overdrive to see how I could help my body and the doctors and my disease, what I could contribute to it, and what I could bring to the table. And so what I was doing for cancer I realized was helping me with aging. And it helped me not only physically but mentally because the more I did physically, the more endorphins and the more feeling of I can do this rose up in me.
Beverlye Hyman Fead:
And I realized as I was in my 70s and 80s, even though there are infirmities… I will not kid you. Aging is not always easy. As we know, it’s not for sissies. There’s always things that we have to stop and maybe find something else to take its place. But you can do things because of your aging as opposed to being able to not do things because of your aging. There are opportunities open to us, mentoring, helping children, that only us at a certain age can do because of our wisdom. And so when I realized that, and I realized that at 70 or 80 I could have 30 or 20 more years left and still make a difference, something clicked in my brain, and I realized I could still help. I could still change. I could still help that one person that I’m looking to help. And I want people to look forward to that opportunity because it is an opportunity. And you can’t do that in your 20s. You haven’t lived your life long enough. And this is something we can do.
Sue Peschin:
I love that. I love that. I love how you just sort of went through that whole process of really thinking thoughtfully about your experience and what’s my choice here in terms of how I face it.
Beverlye Hyman Fead:
That’s right. We have a choice. There is a choice.
Sue Peschin:
Right. So you were talking about your experience with cancer. And a lot of people, they have these experiences. They get through them in an inspirational way. You decided to share your story with people across the country, make a documentary, write three books. So, basically, you were just sitting around eating bonbons, right? So what inspired you to take these steps way beyond and share your story with the world?
Beverlye Hyman Fead:
Well, there were several things that went into it. Number one, I had lost my grandmother, my mother, and my two sisters to cancer. And they didn’t have the benefit of the medicines that we have now, of all the new sharing of knowledge that goes across the world now. My mother died 50-some-odd years ago of cancer when we just whispered the word because it was a dirty word and nobody wanted to say cancer out loud. My sisters died also several years ago, and my grandmother, of course, the year I was born. So that was 86 years ago.
Beverlye Hyman Fead:
And cancer is different today. And I wanted people to know that, that here, again, we have choices. You have choices of how you want to live your life. You may not have the choice of when you’re going to end your life. But you do have the choice of how you’re going to live it, what medicine you’re going to take, what protocol you’re going to take, what doctor you’re going to be with, what you’re going to contribute to your health, how you’re going to put what you have on the table and do your visionary work or do your breathing, eat properly, do your exercise, what you can bring to the table, and how that can change your life.
Beverlye Hyman Fead:
And I had decided that I wanted people to know. I wanted people to know that this could be done. There are so many experimental treatments now, and I was fortunate enough to get one at the very cutting edge that worked and how lucky I was. And there are other people that can get that also. They have to search for it. They have to be their own advocate. They have to be copartners with their doctor. And they have to be active in their own illness. It’s different today. And I wanted people to know that it was important for me to share that information.
Sue Peschin:
And I think that’s great because so many people are deferential in a way that can be hurtful to themselves if they don’t try to speak up and ask some questions. So I think it’s really terrific that you’re serving as a motivator, really, for people. All right. Your book, your fabulous book, Aging in High Heels: Living a Life With Passion, Hope, and Laughter, looks at aging with honesty and humor. Why do you think honesty and a sense of humor are so important as we age?
Beverlye Hyman Fead:
I think if we didn’t laugh at aging, we’d be crying. So I think we’d better have a sense of humor.
Sue Peschin:
Yeah.
Beverlye Hyman Fead:
And things just become funny after a while. You just realized that’s just the way it is. I have to live with this certain thing. My feet are funny. I have to just change shoes. I mean, I hate to give up my high heels, and my heels are getting lower and lower. So we have to keep our sense of humor and share it with other people our age. And they get it, and we get it, and we can laugh together. It’s really important.
Sue Peschin:
Yeah. So what advice would you give to someone who might have a difficult time looking at aging in a positive light? What are some things that have helped get you through times when you just aren’t feeling positive about getting older?
Beverlye Hyman Fead:
Well, I don’t know if this is doctor approved what I’m going to say, but every once in a while when life just gets too much for me, I get into bed with magazines and books and a pencil and paper, and sometimes I write, and sometimes I just read magazines or read books. And I just take a day off from the world to refresh myself and to realize I have a lot to be grateful for, not to complain about. And by the next day, I’m ready to face the challenges again and right out there and feeling strong again. And I do that once in a while. I do that once a month or so. And I feel better for it. I just take a day off from… I get off the world for a day.
Sue Peschin:
I think that’s fabulous. I mean, I think there is so much pressure in our society, and especially with a lot of women, to feel like you have to be perfect. You got to be upbeat. You got to be energetic, and especially right now. Everybody has down days. People get afraid. This is scary. And it’s creating a lot of unknowns for people. And we’re getting through it. And however we’re doing it, we’re keeping it together for the most part. But even if we’re not, we’re still moving ahead. So I think that’s a really strong message to give to people, that it’s kind of that whole it’s okay not to be okay.
Beverlye Hyman Fead:
It’s okay not to feel at your best for a day or two. It really is. It’s human and it’s real and it’s okay. You don’t want to feel that for two weeks or three weeks at a time because then you’ve fallen into some sort of pit that you don’t want to be in.
Sue Peschin:
Right.
Beverlye Hyman Fead:
But when you take time off to recharge, I think that’s important.
Sue Peschin:
Yeah. And it’s a good distinction. That’s right. There’s a difference between having a down day and maybe being depressed. And we want to recognize both are important to see. And if you need to do something about it, then you can.
Sue Peschin:
So when you were a kid, what did you imagine growing older would be like?
Beverlye Hyman Fead:
Well, I thought I was just going to be a different age but I would still look the same. I didn’t realize all the physical changes that take place in your face and body. I just kind of thought I would just be… Well, first of all, I never thought I’d get to 86. No woman in my family lived past 63.
Sue Peschin:
Oh, wow.
Beverlye Hyman Fead:
So for me to be 20 or so years older than any woman in my family is amazing to me. And I have no role models to follow there. So I’ve made my own path with it. And I didn’t imagine that I would still care about a lot of the things I still care about. I didn’t think in your 80s that you would still care about yourself physically what you look like. I didn’t think it would matter. I thought what would it matter that a woman in her 80s look like? Put on a house dress and sit in the back somewhere. And what do you care? Well, there are so many powerful women today in their 80s, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Diane Feinstein. I could name hundreds. There are so many women that are in politics and as professors, and leading in so many avenues. And, of course, they care what they look like. That doesn’t mean they have to be a bathing beauty, but that means that they care what they look like still. And I didn’t ever imagine that.
Beverlye Hyman Fead:
I didn’t imagine that I was still going to want to learn things when I was in my 80s and that I would want to try new things.
Beverlye Hyman Fead:
I didn’t imagine that you would be regarded differently and you had to stand up for yourself as a person to be made sure that you were counted in a room because as a older person, as we all know, you can become invisible. And that’s one of the things I’m fighting against for all people of a certain age.
Sue Peschin:
Yeah, absolutely. There’s a concept I’ve read about about personhood and how we tend to think as we age or even if we develop cognitive issues or dementia, that we lose our personhood. And we don’t.
Beverlye Hyman Fead:
That’s right.
Sue Peschin:
So what do you enjoy the most about growing older now?
Beverlye Hyman Fead:
What do I enjoy the most? I would think that what I enjoy the most is that I can really do whatever I want. I don’t have to have a schedule. I think that is a wonderful privilege. I can choose to do what really makes me happy. Writing a column for the local newspaper about people in their 70s, 80s, and 90s makes me happy. Being with my children and my grandchildren when this is all over. But actually, I have seen my children during this time, and that makes me so happy. But the right to choose really what you want to do is such a privilege that those of us that are older have that I don’t think you really have in your 50s and 60s when you have so many responsibilities and so much to do and so many people you’re taking care of. So that’s a privilege in your aging years.
Sue Peschin:
I love this. I think we should make bumper stickers that say, “Getting older, you get to do whatever you want.”
Beverlye Hyman Fead:
It’s true.
Sue Peschin:
So, Beverlye, thank you so much for being on our show today. It’s really been wonderful talking to you. It’s always wonderful to talk to you.
Beverlye Hyman Fead:
It’s always wonderful talking to you, and I love that you’re doing this podcast. I think it’s so important. And I love how you feel about people that are aging and what you’re doing with your life and what a difference you’re making. And anything I can ever do, I would be honored to do. And it’s a privilege to have been on this.
Sue Peschin:
Thank you so much, Beverlye. The only thing missing here is I wish I could see you in person and give you a hug.
Beverlye Hyman Fead:
Me too.
Sue Peschin:
So if you enjoyed today’s conversation with Beverlye, you won’t want to miss this year’s virtual Heroes in Health on Tuesday, September 15. You can register by visiting the link in the show notes for this episode. We’re going to be honoring individuals for their contributions to advance the experience of aging and recognize those whose outstanding efforts have helped older Americans and those with underlying conditions during the COVID-19 pandemic. We hope you’ll join us to celebrate our commitment to older adults at our virtual Heroes in Health celebration. And we encourage you to follow the Alliance on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Visit agingresearch.org to learn more about age-related conditions, diseases, and issues that impact the health of older Americans. Please subscribe now and rate us on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Spotify, or anywhere else you listen to podcasts. Thanks so much, and have a great day.